I Did What I Had To Do

Everything's over, and now it's too late...
i can't hope anymore... i cannot wait...
Despite the hope, the wish that i keep,
All that I've done so far is weep...

But someday I will get tired and quit,
and I will move on, bit by bit,
And someday you'll realize that you've lost me,
And you can't have me back coz you set me free.

I did what I have and wanted to do,
to correct my mistakes that I've done to you,
I did what I thought would make you stay,
but instead you refused and stayed away.

I had hoped to be by your side forever,
But i'm hurting myself more than ever,
Like what you did, you simply let go...
your love has died...i cannot make it grow.

I can never ask you to be mine again,
to love you more than just a friend,
but it hurts for me to see you in that way,
i can't live on... if you can't stay.

So it's better if we can't be friends anymore...
it will never be the same...the same as before...
I'm sorry for everything if i made you cry,
we both hurt each other... so it's a sad goodbye...

you will always be inside my heart,
the memories we had...it will never part...
but since you refused my love for you,
this is the only thing i had to do...

For me, this is the only way,
Smile and live on another day...
coz i know some guy will find me someday,
and he will love me... and he will stay.

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I Hate... but I Love

I'm losing hope, i've given up,
i'm letting go, so i'll stand up,
coz i won't follow you anymore,
i'm not a stalker, i'm not a whore.

I won't be treated like some foolish plaything,
a simple toy without a mind, without feeling...
coz i'm a person, and i need respect...
don't treat me like the bitches you collect.

i'm stronger than the person you think i am,
i fell for a moment but i don't give a damn,
So i'll stand up and show my face,
I never lived a life to hide with disgrace.

So what if i've been foolish for the past few days?
My mind was clouded by your 'acts' and ways...
To think that you broke my heart in two,
did you really think i'd fall back to you?

We both had the chance, but you lost yours,
I lost mine and i won't beg in all fours,
coz i'm not a dog, i'm the girl you loved before,
i won't crawl on my knees and ask for more.

Coz after the things i've done for you,
you choked my heart and broke it to two.
i hate you for doing things your way,
i hate you because you refused to stay.

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But i love you for caring despite the mistakes i did,
and i love you despite destiny forbid...
Despite the things that i've said above...
I know I hate... but I can't help but love...

Why do these occasions bother me always?
first, i had to go through a lonely christmas, a lonely new year, and now a lonely valentines day? it's frustrating!

i mean, come on... why even bother? why do i always have to feel lonely and depressed when i can't spend these occasions with a special someone? am i that dependent on the feeling of "being loved'"? love from parents is different... or maybe it's because i lack this 'love' that i'm seeking it so desperately.

i don't know why but it's been driving me crazy for almost 2 months now. i never got over the loneliness and depression i'm feeling right now. and i've been bruising my brain with programming projects just to keep me busy and distracted... and now with the pressure i face, the exams...the programs... i'm feeling drop dead sick today. With cough and colds and a killer head ache... how am i supposed to feel any better by forgetting about 'loneliness and depression' through studying? Instead, it's making me worse.

i haven't slept much in the past few days, trying to finish my programs in time for next week... but no, i can't think right. and everytime i force myself to think, my head hurts... and i jsut want to get everything over with and fast! but instead, i'm delaying my projects... yesterday, i decided to play and enjoy myself by shopping and going to the mall myself. but it was a mistake. i felt lonely again... and even more depressed. and all the more... i can't think right while making my projects...

sometimes i wish i wasn't born in the city. then i could have gone to a riverside or a flat meadow somewhere to cool off my head and just listen to nature... but no, i'm stuck in this polluted, noisy, uncomfortable neighborhood that fills me with pressure all the more.

i'm going through a lot of feelings right now... feelings that i can't simply express in words... it's like: confusion, loneliness, sadness, helplessness, restlessness, desperation..... all for what? all for whom???

there's no one to blame, really, but myself. i was the one who chose this path. so i need to suffer from it. Lonely Valentines Day? hmph! Again, i will need to force myself to forget about it... even if it hurts so much.

All i can do for now, is to counteract my exaggerated feelings of loneliness and depression by forcing myself to FORGET EVERYTHING. sometimes i wish, i had temporary amnesia. so that i could forget about the past... and possibly.. forget about my feelings for this guy.

Yeah... it's really going to be a Lonely Valentines Day for me... i think i'm not going to school that day. I'll just cry and get envious of the happy couples around me that day.

hahaha damn...

After all these years... I thought i haven't given up on Love. I always thought i'd eventually 'fall in love again'. But i've come to this point, where i'm tired of 'falling in love' again... i don't want to 'fall in love' anymore.

The heart aches... the pain... the sacrifices...
All i can say is: I don't regret everything i did for my ex's... but the question still remains... is it worth it?

People have been telling me to stop sacrificing my own happiness for a guy. But i can't help it. when i love a person, i give it my all. it's a pitiful mistake, but a mistake i can't help but give to the person i love...

i love too much... i give too much... that there's only a bit left for me.
And people ask me... do you regret it?
And every time, i always answer: No, i don't regret it.
And they ask again: are you happy about it?
And i answer: yes im happy because i made them happy, but i'm sad because... i know after the sacrifice, i won't be getting any response in return.

That's what sacrifices are for... so others will be happy... you hurt a part of yourself. And you don't expect anything in return. At first, it really hurts. And that's why people say that i regret it. But actually, i don't regret every sacrifice i did for the guys i loved in my life. i loved them with everything i've got... and i'm happy that i made them happy even just once. Even if they don't love me in return...

So even if i'm trying to win my ex's affection back... if he says he's happy about it, even if he can't love me back anymore... i'm giving up already. i don't want to be a quitter in this so called 'love', but i guess i'm just too tired to go on like this anymore. i'm scared that if i go on like this... i might lose myself, and kill myself someday... and now i tell the people: he isn't worth dying for anymore. i've done everything i can, to be given another chance... to chase after a guy after being dumped is one of the forbidden 'rules in society for women'. girls like these are labeled 'desperada'. but it doesn't matter what my reputation will be, i don't care anymore. i'm tired already...
so be proud, i'm finally giving up the chase.

but i'm afraid, that in order for me to do this, i'll be sacrificing my friendship with other people... for this guy again. it's a sacrifice that i have to make... again.

someone once told me: "if a guy isn't ready to let go of his friends and vices... then he isn't ready to have a relationship with you..." ----> and you know what? he's right. he's definitely right. but it works both ways. i have to do this too.

and i was willing to let go... but my ex wasn't.

so now... i'm going to give myself a rest.
give myself time.
give myself peace.

i'm giving up on love... i'm giving up on him...
i just realized that i can't take another heart break anymore.
i'm tired now...and there are many other responsibilities awaiting me... college... family... friends and hobbies will be cut off now...

good bye, pc gaming... good bye, hang out...
hello, geek goody-two-shoes world!
may i survive to live and be happy to be alone once again...

i don't think i'll ever love a guy again...
i don't want to be used anymore...
i don't want to be hurt anymore...